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Caro Field Author

Category Archives: Prose

Redraw Yourself

09 Sunday Dec 2012

Posted by Caro Field in Prose

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At the beginning of the week I stated that I was going to check myself into a neurological rehabilitation centre to have some targeted physiotherapy to make me stronger and fitter so I might better fulfil my ambition. And that is to get back on my feet again.

I have only had 3 days of physiotherapy proper, because the first day was purely an assessment of my mobility and balance at this moment in time. However, I can already feel and see significant changes in my body, in my ability to sit without collapsing, and to transfer from my wheelchair to wherever else.

This is entirely thanks to my physiotherapist, Bev, who modestly tells me that her colleague, who will be treating me from Mondays to Wednesdays, starting next week, is even more brilliant than she is. I have been told I will be under the care of Sarah, who is senior physiotherapist at the Neurological Hospital in London. My care is geared not only to my condition (Multiple Sclerosis) but also to my particular set of problems. And the consequence is that I am noticing the changes wrought almost immediately.

It has always seemed to me mad that conventional, allopathic, medicine treats everything in isolation. Whereas alternative medicine sees the body holistically, as does my current physio. In this respect, allopathic medicine makes no sense at all. Undoubtedly there have been the most astonishing advances in medicine and the brilliance of some physicians at finding solutions to seemingly impossible health conundrums constantly astounds me. But why were the surgeons intent on giving me keyhole surgery to free my right shoulder which was frozen and fixed due to overuse? Bev has freed it in 3 one hour sessions by recognising that the shoulder problem was the inevitable result of a car accident that left my breastbone cleft from top to bottom and which rearranged my ribcage. A little mobilisation and hey presto! The shoulder is freer than it has been in years.

It is Sunday today, so no physiotherapy, but I have homework to do instead. My exercises are designed to make me sit deep into my seat bones; to stretch my flanks, to prevent any collapse down my left side and consequent tightening down the right; to lengthen through the shoulders and to release my neck. Bev took photos of me doing the exercises correctly and sent them to me so I have no excuses as to why I cannot get them right. 3 x per day. 10 repetitions. That will leave me craving a reviving glass of red!

All this has made me marvel at the human body. How perfectly designed we are. Electrics by Apple, bodywork by Rolls Royce. In my case, that accident 15 years ago, totally changed my physique. Because specific areas had been injured and altered in shape, muscles were damaged so others, never designed for the purpose, took over. Consequently, my body addressed the problem by adapting itself. And because the body is such an amazing machine, I still functioned normally, despite my muscles being severely compromised. Now I have to unlearn all the lessons my body taught itself. Teach myself better habits. Realign myself. Now the fun begins.

NEGATIVE ENERGY V POSITIVE ENERGY

04 Tuesday Dec 2012

Posted by Caro Field in non-fiction, Prose

≈ 7 Comments

I have been in a magnificent respite care home for the past ten days. For anyone living near Taunton, I can highly recommend it. It is called Halcon House. It really IS a home from home for many residents and is run in a very relaxed, informal way by some of the most loving, dedicated, professional people you could wish to meet.

I came because I had had an infection that could not be cleared by a single course of antibiotics. So I had to take a second course . The paradox with my condition (Multiple Sclerosis) is that whilst antibiotics may deal with my problem, they shred me of whatever vestige of an immune system that I possess. By the time I got here, in no time at all, this fiercely independent woman was as weak as a new-born kitten. I was unable to do pretty much anything for myself, I was so enervated. Ten days later, thanks to the team’s ministrations and the healing magic this place inspires, I am not exactly ready to take on the world, or running on gas, but I have almost got my mojo back.

The people here, both patients and staff alike, are uniformly wonderful. Friendly, loving, witty, funny, many in spite of conditions that seriously compromise their lives. It has made me marvel at the extraordinary bloody-mindedness, fortitude and resilience of the human spirit.

Also, it has made me reflect on just how much negative energy many of us carry around with us all of the time. How often do we say to ourselves, “I’m no good at that” or “I’d never be able to do it!” Or “I’m useless” or simply “I can’t”? Why don’t we say instead, “I can” or “I will”? Just a shift in mental attitude and a whole world of opportunity opens up to us. Our choices, literally, become limitless.

Since I have had MS one thing has become blindingly clear to me. The damage we do to our bodies with this negative energy. I am one of the unfortunate ones that have constant, unremitting pain. It is akin to permanently jamming my finger in a live electrical socket. What I have noticed, however, is that if I let any kind of energy like that effect me, that the pain increases exponentially. Instantly. I am talking anger, hatred, despair, grief. Any emotion that drags our spirits down and makes us feel low. So I avoid these emotions, if humanly possible, although grief is a tough one for anybody to handle.

If it has this effect on me, it is having that effect on you too. The difference is that for those of you that are hale and hearty, you simply do not sense what you are doing to your body. You are poring poison into yourself. Literally. The vituperation you may be aiming at someone else isn’t really touching them. But boy, is it toxic for you. What possesses you to want to keep stabbing yourself in the back? And you are you know. You don’t feel it, you don’t see it, but that is what you are doing. Why? What purpose does it serve? It just makes you less happy and less healthy. And believe me when I tell you that health is the single most valuable asset we have. Fame. Fortune. Success. Relationships. All are meaningless or, at the very least in jeopardy, without your health. It is critical to most things in life and you only realize this when you lose it, like I did, and then it’s too late.

So replace any negative talk with positive dialogue, with affirmations, with feel-good phraseology. You will be astonished at how much better you feel. You will begin to feel bigger, wider, more self-assured. As you begin to really approve of yourself, your life starts to telescope away into a bright new future. The future you always envisaged for yourself. A future that brings you joy and real happiness . And believe me, it will. I am living testament to the fact.

Worry v. Wisdom

02 Sunday Dec 2012

Posted by Caro Field in non-fiction, Prose

≈ 4 Comments

Someone I love, that I care about very deeply, is about to have life-changing surgery. And I have been reflecting on what makes us worry…. Because that is undoubtedly what I will do. I will worry for both my friend and their family. i will worry that the operation goes exactly as planned. Whatever I am doing will be punctuated by these thoughts.

So what makes us anxious, fearful even. How do I feel when I worry? Literally. What is going on in my body? What is worrying after all? It is thinking excessively, to the exclusion of pretty much all else, about one particular issue. Our minds go into overdrive, as we obsess about what is going to happen and worse, about what “might happen”. And that’s it, isn’t it? We humans seem to be programmed to expect the worst not the best? To speculate on the most extreme, awful outcome rather than the most beneficial.

Sometimes, of course, the worry can be helpful. If I am worrying about a job interview, it might encourage me to research the company really thoroughly, so I can answer any question put to me.
If I have an exam to sit, I may study harder and therefore do well. But so much more often we worry about a meeting, whether personal or business, and we are tongue-tied and awkward and do not present ourselves in the right light.

Some years ago now I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. This was a bitter pill to swallow for someone who participated in most sports. Quite well, I might add. But the diagnosis was not half as hard to face as the wait to be scanned. In those days few hospitals had MRI Scans. I had to wait a week. It seemed interminable.

During that week, my family and I considered most options that corresponded to the symptoms. The mutual conclusion seemed to be that I had a brain tumour. So when I got the diagnosis, I was relieved, ecstatic. Even though I was faced with a chronic illness. And one that would prove frustrating, fickle, infuriating.

Year on year, I have seen this illness eat little bits of my nervous system away. Year on year, I am challenged by the latest curve ball it throws me. I am currently in a wheelchair but that does not stop me from attempting to walk just a little each day. Sometimes it’s just two steps. The next day, I might make it clean across the room. Each attempt feels like a little triumph. And, next week I check myself in to a centre that specialises in Neurological Rehabilitation, to have targeted physiotherapy. A course of stretches and exercises designed for me alone! How cool is that? How positive could the outcome be? Come what may, I will be physically fitter, ergo better.

So I commit myself here, in this post, to one thing. I bind myself to this oath. I promise that when my friend DOES go under that knife, that I will NOT worry. I will, instead, send happy thoughts their way. Concentrate on the best of all possible conclusions to the surgery. What wishful thinking should be…the desire to visit the best of outcomes on this person I love. You will be fitter, healthier, stronger than ever, and I will be right beside you to cheer you on!

THE HAIR CUT

01 Saturday Dec 2012

Posted by Caro Field in fiction, Prose

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A chapter from my new upcoming young adult novel.

Then Saturday suddenly came. The hours up till then seemed to telescope away from Dante, in the wrong direction. So much so, he volunteered to clean his mum’s car and then all the neighbours’ cars for a small amount of cash, just to fill in the time. Once he’d done that he picked the French beans from his mother’s allotment and dug up her new potatoes. Looking at his watch, he fond it was still only 9.15 so he filled in the rest of the time topping and tailing and blanching those beans that he had not put aside for supper to put in the freezer. All of this eventually took him to 9.45 and he figured that if he walked extra slowly he could get to Rosie’s salon pretty much on time.

He found himself semi-skipping/running and then deliberately slowing down, so eager was he to get to his destination. He kind of marched on the spot every time he got to a pedestrian crossing and waited for the lights to change twice before sauntering over the road and still he got there with minutes to spare.

When he turned into the alley he found that there was a babble of noise coming from the other end of it and on reaching it he saw why. There was a gaggle of animated young mums with their babies in buggies, all sitting chatting at tables outside the shop. The mums all had delicious looking mugs of coffee, chocolate and tea, the babies all had juice in one form of cup or other – bottles, beakers, sippy cups.

He stepped onto the threshold and two glass doors slid open to reveal an interior that was all wood and chrome. Beautiful spalded oak seemed to snake across the floorboards to a coffee bar on the far side of the room, with bar stools along its length. Any handrails and chairs were made to match the floor, with huge, enveloping cushions on them. The chrome just finished off every edge of furniture or piece of hairdressing tool. Looking up at the ceiling, it was as if Dante were looking at an upturned boat – all exposed beams and ribs, intricately interwoven to create a skeletal wooden frame. And holding up this miracle of a ceiling was the most wondrous feature of all: the central, main supporting column was a gigantic aquarium. From top to bottom there were beautiful jewel-like fishes swimming through coral and sunken wreckage that sat on tiny glass shelves that formed part of the walls of the pillar’s interior. It was an exquisitely wrought piece of furniture that gave the whole room a quality of light and movement normally lacking from such a place and the effect was stunning. Every chair in the salon had a view of the pillar and he noticed that most clients just seemed to sit there in silence, gazing at the aquarium’s reflection in the mirrors infront of them, mesmerised. Consequently, there was no babble of senseless conversation, instead a girl at the end of the coffee bar was playing some beautiful classical guitar music – Rodrigo or Villa Lobos, he thought.

He threw himself into the nearest chair and breathed in. He instantly noticed that the other feature of salons that he loathed with a passion was absent. There were none of the pungent smells he normally associated with these places, the lingering and to him overpowering smell of soap and perfume. Looking closer at the ceiling he noticed that there were huge extraction fans at either side of the roof and wooden fans that beat clean air around the room. The only wonderful smell that was persistent and powerful was the aroma of freshly brewed coffee from the bar at the end of the salon.

The baristas at the coffee bar, two of them, identical twins, by the look of it, created a seemingly endless production line of the amazing concoctions he had seen the mums drinking outside. You could smell the cinnamon and ginger at thirty paces. And beyond them, squeezed into a small circle of space, a young man in a jester’s costume was teaching the 7-16s to juggle. It was utter magic! He could see why Rosie had said it would weave its spell on him.

He leaned back in a chair, watching the clown fish wriggling through the sea anemone and the angel fish delicately bobbing in and out of the sea grass in the tank, when a voice from somewhere behind his right shoulder said, “Hi Dante, cool, huh?”

Rosie had come out of a small internal room, which Dante had previously overlooked, clutching a large box of curlers under one arm. “I’ll be with you in a mo, I just have to put these in Mrs McElderry’s hair and pop her under a dryer….if you fancy a coffee or something, just ask Claire or Charlie to make you one. Doesn’t matter which one you ask, they’ll both answer to either name since few of us can tell them apart!” she said grinning.

Dante found himself grinning back “I think I’ll do that, thanks.” He walked over to the coffee bar and the twin nearest to him said, I think I peg you for a hot chocolate guy, yes?” He nodded and before he could say anything further, she went on, “And all the added extras?” And when he nodded a second time, she smiled and said, “For what it’s worth, I’d just go with the flow and let her do her thing. She knows what she’s doing as you can tell from this place!”, and she waved her arm around to indicate the décor of the salon.

A few minutes later he found himself sipping the most delicious hot chocolate he’d ever tasted. It was clearly made with 75% cocoa solids that had been melted and added to a heady mix of cream and warm milk. There was a swirl of whipped cream with the faintest frosting of ginger, cinnamon and cocoa, a large milk flake, six maltesers and a handful of red and green M and Ms. He went at it with gusto and when he got to the bottom of the mug, he found little knobs of chocolate, that hadn’t quite melted, which he scooped up with his index finger.

Dante was seated at a high stool at the coffee bar and was lost in reverie and savouring the flavour of his mug of chocolate when he felt a tap on his shoulder and a familiar voice in his ear, ”I’m ready for you now.”

He swung round and found Rosie grinning at him, with a towel wrapped around her neck and a scissor belt round her waist. “You ready for me?” she asked.

He nodded and followed her obediently to a chair that she led him to, with a commanding view of the whole salon. “Now, I have a theory, Dante,” Rosie said, “It’s such a long time since you last had your hair cut, that it’s going to come as a bit of a shock to you to see it all go… so I intend to blindfold you whilst I am cutting.”

He looked at her in astonishment. “What?!” he exclaimed.

“Well, kind of,” she responded. “We are going to put these sunglasses on you, which I’ve tinkered with, so you can’t see anything through them, and you are going to give me carte blanche to do what’s necessary….”

Dante gulped. “You can do anything?” he said.

“Pretty much” she smiled at him. “But there’s no pressure. If you don’t want me to cut your hair today, then come back when you are ready to take the plunge!”

“But what if I don’t like it?” he asked.

“Trust me, you will! But if you don’t, judging by how much you have got of it now, it won’t take long to grow out any way!”

Dante thought about this and about how he had somehow trusted this woman implicitly since their very first meeting, closed his eyes, took a deep breath and mumbled, ”OK, do your worst!”

“Sorry, I didn’t quite catch that!” Rosie chuckled, “Was that a carte blanche do what you’ve gotta?”

“Yes!” Dante hissed. ”But don’t push your luck!”

”OK,” Rosie said, now businesslike, ”Put these on.” And she handed him a pair of large aviator sunglasses that had pieces of black duct tape stuck over the lenses. “Now sit back, relax, as much as you can, listen to Amelia playing her guitar, and let me work my magic.”

Nervous at first, he sat slightly forward, on the edge of his seat, but soon found himself lounging back into the squidgy pillow and losing himself in the beautifully cadenced guitar music. It was the lovely lyrical slow movement and he found himself almost drifting off to sleep…

He realised with a start that the click of the scissors was rhythmical and soothing and the faint tug of the razor reassuring. Straightening up he berated himself. What was he thinking? How could he have allowed himself to be talked into this? He was beginning to feel a cold breeze on his neck – not a good sign, because that meant she had chopped all his hide-in hair off! “Aren’t you going a little far?” he ventured.

“Nothing ventured, nothing gained!” Rosie responded jauntily. And then, as if sensing his unease, she said quietly, ”I’m nearly done. Just hold still for a second whilst I put the finishing touches to my masterpiece!” As if the air had been quietly let out of him, Dante found himself relaxing back into the cushion again. Rosie made a few last adjustments then said with satisfaction, “You’re done! Want to take a peek?”

He gulped hard, and then nodded very slowly. “I think so,” he said.

“OK,” Rosie said. “Now, this will come as quite a shock to you. It is radically different. It is much shorter, it’s a much cleaner cut and fashionable, but it looks seriously cool!” And then she breathed in and took his glasses off, blocking the mirror beyond, “And I’ve coaxed a stunner out from under all that hair –you really are a lady killer!”

Stepping to one side, she revealed her handiwork with a flourish. He stared at himself, utterly fascinated. Someone he did not recognise stared back at him from the mirror. His reflection revealed a young man with quite an oval face but with a square, determined jaw. The dimple in his right cheek was very pronounced and he had a slight indentation in his chin too that he suspected might become more prominent when he got angry or stressed.

Dante had always thought his eyes were his best feature but actually, they were remarkable. The blue of the brightest sapphire or the bluest volcanic pool, they were wide and slightly almond shaped and big, and anyone observing them felt as if they could easily lose themselves in them. He smiled broadly at his reflection and immediately noticed his chipped tooth. He smiled again because it gave him a slightly piratical air…

It was then that he really noticed what Rosie had done with his hair. I mean, yes, he’d noticed there was a fraction on his head compared to what he’d been used to but it was how she’d achieved this shorn Dante… She had cut the hair on a slight bias so it was really contemporary and yet classic at the same time. No flouncy fringe a la Hugh Grant, and yet he did have a fringe and despite his misgivings, it really suited him. He looked sharp, slick, complete…

“So what’s the verdict?” Rosie ventured.

“Bloody marvellous.”

First Kiss

26 Friday Oct 2012

Posted by Caro Field in fiction, Prose

≈ Leave a comment

This is a short extract. slightly rewritten, from a forthcoming novel….I hope you enjoy it…

I was in the taxi, attempting to appear calm and failing. You have just walked into my life unexpectedly. From nowhere. A mercurial woman. A clever woman. A woman who loves to look after her loved ones. Cook for them, cajole them, care for them. So why do I feel that tell-tale slide in my chest every time I think of you? Why does the mere mention of your name make me smile from ear to ear? Why do I long for just a glimpse of you?

The station approaches. We have agreed to meet here and find somewhere to eat. My legs feel leaden. Can I drag myself free of my seat and out of the taxi? Dare I?  You said you would meet me here…that we would find a restaurant… But do you feel the same? Do you want to drink me in, like I do you?

The taxi comes to a standstill. So does my heart. I look out the window. And there you are. There at the entrance to the station. Oh God! The moment of truth!  I can see that you are anxiously scanning every car. Then I realise…you are searching for me! Trying to find me! So that means…..OHHHHHHHH! Bliss! You feel the same!

I leap out, give you a quick hug and say, ‘Come on, let’s go!” We do. We go to the restaurant. We give the food our full attention. Seemingly any way.That is what anyone looking on might think. Yet underneath… Underneath my calm exterior….

Standing close to you and my legs can barely support me. Sitting near you and I long to wind my leg around yours. If you push past me I feel a heat in my groin and a brush fire of desire…When you throw back your head and laugh, I want to bottle it. The way that it infuses your cheekbones. The way it brushes your pupils with diamonds of light. The way it whispers along the curves of your mouth.  The way it sometimes pours like musical lava deep from your throat, infecting all who hear it with joy. Just the scent of you makes me weak, intoxicated.

I marvel at the mobility of your face. How its symmetry shifts with each changing mood. I enjoy watching how other people respond to you, with genuine warmth, with real affection. How your mere presence infects them with life. Animates them.  Yet every second I want to share you with others, I want to keep you near me, keep you close. We stay an hour, it seems like a year. As we leave the building, my hand brushes yours and we both start with the electricity of it…

We get in your car, and I say, breathlessly, ‘Just drive. Anywhere, but make it private.”  You drive. I just sit and watch you. Watch the way your hands effortlessly turn the wheel. How your nose crinkles when you concentrate. How when you overtake, your tongue pokes out over your bottom lip… and all I can think of is kissing you.

A quiet lane.. we pull in to the entrance to a wood. You turn to me and say, ‘Is this sensible? It doesn’t feel like it! It feels like madness!” And I just take your face between my hands. I push the lock of hair that has dropped on to your forehead back away from your face with my thumb. I look into your eyes and say, “No, it isn’t sensible! Yes it is mad, but I really need to kiss you.” And bending my face to yours, I do.

The touch of my lips on yours sets up a slow burn…a tumbling sensation, a breathlessness. I can feel, no hear, the percussion of my heartbeat as my tongue explores yours, dances with yours…I want to eat you, devour you, but slow, slow. I want to savour every morsel, every nuance of you. Drink you up, hold you close. I want to feel that shiver of recognition as skin meets skin. I trail my tongue under your chin, down the back of your neck. I nibble your ear, caress its inner edge with the tip of my tongue. I bury my head in your hair, breathing in the scent of you. You become my inspiration. You are my breath. As I kiss you, I feel that long, slow, free-fall that takes me to the edge. I pull away and look at you. You are beautiful! Did you know that? I make you a promise. Not a day will go by from this moment on, when you are not kissed. Kissing you is what I want to do for the rest of my life on this earth.

The Road to Crowcombe

22 Monday Oct 2012

Posted by Caro Field in Prose, Uncategorized

≈ 2 Comments

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Crowcombe, somerset, The Road to Crowcombe

If you follow the road to Crowcombe through Over Stowey, in the summer months, you cross a cattle grid, then the road climbs uphill, winding gently through ancient forests…Coppices of burr oak on either side of the road  are interspersed with beech and indeterminate vegetation.  In places, the branches corkscrew and unfurl across the road and embrace overhead in a soothing green canopy. The road meanders lazily upward then suddenly bursts out onto open moorland.This is not Exmoor, but it feels like it. Gorse bushes, reeds, heather, low patches of nettle and banks of campion. Fritillary hover, dip to the brightest of flowers, to sip the nectar, then stop on lantana to spread their wings.  There is a remoteness, a ruggedness, a wildness and yet a deep tranquility on the sharp, clear air. Sheep, grazing on the moorland, wander across the road in front of you, and often lie on it, to catch the latent heat…wild ponies skitter across the road in a flurry of hooves and flaring nostrils.

Look out across the moor to your left and softly rounded, farmed land and ridges are visible beyond the woods, on which cattle graze and the odd red deer, escape bravely, tiptoeing hesitantly from the safety of the woods. Bear right and the coastal views simply take your breath away. Deeply incised wooded valleys drop directly into the sea, the cliffs are rugged, forbidding, streams drop sharply through deep green undergrowth…and there in the distance, across the Bristol Channel is the Welsh shoreline, barely visible in the dappled, dimpsy light…

Further around, in the Channel, closer to the coast, the islands of Steepholm and Flatholm thrust out of the waves, and stretch out, apparently lazily, in the waters, respectively. Then look left, and follow the coast until you reach the steep, rugged cliffs at Linton and Linmouth, and the thin stripe of sand that marks Minehead. Further around still, the rolling land that is Exmoor,stretches itself out beneath you as far as you can see. And if you are fortunate, you may catch a buzzard spiralling upward and gliding down on the late June air…

Reach the top, before plunging down the precipitous road to Crowcombe itself, with its overgrown emergency exit lane. Look up to the left and the leafy bridle and pathway meanders upward toward Crowcombe Gate and the trig point at Triscombe Stone. This is what it is to be in God’s own country…

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