Took a raft trip down the Zambezi,

There were 8 of us in the swim,

Peter, Rob, Malcolm, J and myself,

2 sisters from Medellin.

And our guide, Dan,

‘The man who can’,

Who was intent on keeping us in.

Dan was a page 2 Adonis,

With a truly awesome physique,

He’d spectacular pecs

Wore minuscule kecks,*

And an air of intrigue and mystique.

Yes, Dan, Dan,

A peach of a man,

Displayed his outstanding technique.

We all had to paddle as hard as we could,

In order to simply survive,

We’d a rule book to follow,

“If you fall out, don’t swallow!”

We were warned in the event we capsized.

So said Dan, ‘the man’,

His face dead pan,

“If you don’t you will simply nose-dive!”

“Keep both hands on the top of your paddle,

And I beg you to never let go”,

If we did it would be

A catastrophe,

As future events would show.

So Dan, Dan

Warned each ‘man’

“The result, you just don’t want to know!”

He also instructed us, what to do,

If, God forbid, we came out of the boat,

“Relax, and don’t worry,

Don’t struggle or flurry,

I’ll throw you a line, so just float.”

And Dan, Dan,

Said, “If you can,

You all need to learn this by rote.”

We got to the very first rapid,

The water just dropped away,

And a wave of real dread

Loomed six feet overhead,

So we forgot what he had to say.

And Dan, Dan,

Could not help his clan,

And I ended up in the spray.

I got sucked right under that rapid

With a horrible blood-curdling hiss,

Down there in the gloom,

I had a feeling of doom,

A million miles from bliss.

But Dan, Dan,

Gave the river a scan,

To see when I tried to surface.

That rumbling white water was fright’ning,

And there was a terrible din,

Didn’t know up from down,

It was dark, it was BROWN

I counted my every sin.

But Dan took great care,

And when I came up for air,

Threw his rope out, to pull me in.

We were fine till the fourth big rapid,

Then every one of us tumbled out,

We lay in that pool.

All enjoying the cool,

‘Cos the full midday sun was out.

Till Dan, the man,

Said, “Get back in if you can,

You know there are crocs about!’

In the next big shoot of water

Something hit my face with a thud,

With that mighty thwack,

I saw stars, it went black,

And it felt like my nose was in flood.

And Malc** screamed to Dan,

“Stop the boat if you can,

My wife is all covered in blood!”

It seems that one of the Medellin twins

Had lost control of her oar,

In the hubble and bubble,

She’d got into trouble,

Couldn’t hold on to it any more.

And even though Dan

Had outlined that plan,

She hit me fair and square on the jaw.

Dan swiftly gave an appraisal,

Of the lump on the side of my face,

It was frankly obscene,

I was red, blue and green,

With bruises all over the place.

So Dan, Dan,

With great élan,

Steered us out of that race.

He ‘surfed’ that boat through the waters

Through the rapid’s throaty roar,

While we all lay prone,

He paddled alone,

He proved what his knowledge was for.

And Dan, Dan,

Proved ‘he’s the man’,

And guided us safely to shore.

* slang term for underpants/pants, in this case, the tiniest swimming costume in Christendom

**Malc/Malcolm – my ex-husband